my shit smells like andre
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
