is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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