what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
