my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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