is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish my penis had a tongue
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
