Do you still have your period?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
