all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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