I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
