Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize