those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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