When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I need a burrito and a hug.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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