Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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