I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
