Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize