youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
