Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
