so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
