singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize