The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
