OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I met the friendliest cop last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
