I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
its not stalking. its research.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
