My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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