I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
