Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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