I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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