I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
