Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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