If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
