I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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