this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
