he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
