i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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