The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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