MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
