love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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