If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
