I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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