I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
