My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just had sex bonerless
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
