If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
