thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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