apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
