see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
