Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
