just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
id be glad to
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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