it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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