cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
