this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
