you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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