she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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