Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
