Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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