It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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