i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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