Don't make out with my wife yet
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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