Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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