I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
