cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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