Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
