I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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