wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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