have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
