how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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