if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
