update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
